“It takes two to speak the truth. One to speak and the other to listen.”
Henry Thoreau
Communication has the power to start or end a war; to make or break a marriage; to close a million-dollar-business deal or lose it to a competitor; to build or destroy a friendship.
People must master the art of communication if they want to live in this world with any measure of success. Communication is a two-way street. It takes two people: one to speak ad the other to listen, with both parties taking turns speaking and listening.
The communication industry has exploded over the past ten years. With every imaginable kind of high-tech gadget at their fingertips with which to communicate around the globe, many people still don’t know how to communicate effectively. Many think that if they have lips and a voice, they’re communicating. A good communicator must be able to get a point across clearly and concisely as if painting a picture in the other persons mind.
Just because you know what you are saying doesn’t mean everyone else understands you.
The Tongue Of The Learned
Learning how to speak and when to speak are critical keys to effective communication.
Everyone goes through different seasons in life. It is important to be sensitive to what season someone is in before you speak.
If you come home from playing the best golf game of your life and your wife has been taking care of three children suffering with the chicken pox, you’d better realize she isn’t in the same season as you are. If you don’t choose your words carefully, you’ll find yourself in big trouble. As you learn to read what season someone is in, you will be better prepared to minister to them in there are of need rather your own.
How many times has someone spoken to you, who was right in terms of what was being said, but the way it was said just set you off course? It may have been the tone of voice used or the body language or perhaps your season was different from theirs.
This is how many arguments are started, especially between spouses and between parents and children.
Three Levels Of Communication
Life is all about dealing with other people – those above, around, and below us. The art of communication means learning how to connect with people at any of these levels. Those above being a boss or someone in authority over you, those around being peer-level individuals; and those below being people who are looking up to you for leadership and guidance. We have to learn to talk with people at all three levels in their season and in a way that is appropriate to their level. You wouldn’t talk to your boss the same way you talk with your three-year-old-son.
Establish A Connection
To be an effective communicator at any level, put yourself in the other person’s seat, consider how each one thinks and feels and where each one is coming from in that particular situation.
Ask yourself, “Am I connecting? Am I getting through?”
Sometimes it means back-pedaling a bit instead of charging ahead if someone isn’t connecting. Without a good connection, a discussion can lead to a debate, which leads to an argument and eventually a break in trust.
It takes less time to slow down and build a solid connection with someone in the beginning than it does to have to go back and repair a damaged relationship.
Five Lessons About Communication
Here are five lessons about communication that will change your life.
1.Miscommunication has the potential to change relationships.
Have you ever heard the old saying, “That which can be misunderstood will be misunderstood”
If you value relationships, you will embrace the truth of that statement and guard against it.
Miscommunication almost always produces negative results.
Mutual Respect is key to effective communication, one must learn to express to others so that they won’t be misunderstanding your motives.
Listen to the words you speak and change what is coming out of your mouth to be more encouraging and positive.
2.When you go through someone else to get your message across, there is potential for problems.
If you want to make a point, the best communicator is you. If you are intimidated or are challenged when talking to someone, it is probably an indication that you aren’t communicating clearly or skillfully.
There are times when it is necessary to give instructions to someone else to carry out or a message that must be passed along to several people. In some cases, the best way to assure you have been understood is to ask the person to repeat back to you what you have said or asked them to do. Be careful how you do this. Don’t give the other person any indication that you don’t trust them or are talking down to them.
A good communicator should be able to use this technique to avoid miscommunication in any conversation. One way to do this is to say, “ Let me be sure I understand what you just said,”
And repeat back what you heard. You’ll be surprised how many times you didn’t
get that correctly. It may be because you weren’t listening, or it may be the person was not expressing himself clearly and didn’t realize it until you repeated it back.
We must choose our words carefully and verify with the listener what has been understood, especially when sending instructions or a message through a third party.
3.Don’t let things fester.
When someone has said something that you didn’t understand or with which you didn’t agree or that hurt your feelings, don’t let it brew inside of you. Go to that person as quickly as possible and talk it out.
If you’ve spoken to someone and you know you didn’t communicate it the right way or you saw a puzzled look on his or her face, don’t put off making it right.
Molehills have a way of becoming mountains when anything is allowed to fester.
Sometimes people will say that hey understand when they really don’t because they are embarrassed to admit they either didn’t hear you or didn’t understand.
If something is bothering you or you sense someone else has a problem with what you have said, deal with it immediately.
If you don’t, all you’re doing is letting the enemy gain a foothold. A wound that festers becomes infected and can become deadly. Misunderstandings left to fester can destroy relationships.
4.What you don’t say can have as much impact as what you do say.
You’ve probably heard the expression, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
Well, facial expressions often say more than words can express. Body language, including facial expressions, is another way of communicating without words. It’s all in the way you roll your eyes, raise an eyebrow, give “the look,” sit, stand, hold your arms, or walk that tells people what you are feeling or even thinking.
Here are some facts about communications.
When we communicate, we express feelings and attitudes through verbal skills and visual (non-verbal) skills. Verbal skills are the words we choose and the tone of voice we use. Visual (non-verbal) skills are facial expressions, such as a smile, a frown, a furrowed brow, and body language such as eye contact.
Gestures are the way we use our hands. Posture it the way we stand, walk or sit; and appearance includes grooming, what we wear, and the way we carry ourselves.
Dr. Albert Mahrabian, who holds a Ph.D. in communication from UCLA, says the we communicate 7 percent by words, 38 percent by tone of voice, and 55 percent through visual (non-verbal) skills. The way in which we gather information is 87 percent by touch, and 1 percent by taste. This tells us how important what someone sees when we are talking to them is. Listeners need visual stimulation- a point of activity on which to focus.
Therefore, it is important to use body language as a positive incentive to listen versus as a distraction.
Examine the facial expressions and body language you have allowed to creep into your communication. You may not be aware of your own habits and may need to ask someone close to you to honestly give you some constructive feedback. Another suggestion is to place a mirror and a tape recorder next to the telephone. Watch yourself in the mirror as you talk and tape your side of the conversation. You’ll be surprised what you see in your facial expressions and hear in your voice. As you become aware of how you communicate, do what it takes to eliminate any bad habits that may be causing misunderstands and sending the wrong signals. Remember, when you have a smile on your face, you have a smile in your voice.
5.It’s not always what we say; it’s what we allow others to say.
Some of us are so black and white, when we get in a conversation, we make our point and that’s it – end of discussion. Believe me, I can tell you from experience that is not the way to encourage communication. Often we will learn more about life and about those around us when we allow others to do the talking while we do the listening.
Keys to Listening
Real hearing is honest listening. Let’s explore five keys to “real” hearing.
Key 1: Real hearing is stopping whatever you are doing and looking directly at the person who is speaking to you.
It’s not looking over his or her shoulder at who else might be in the room or at the television or at the papers on your desk in front of you or at the book or newspaper you’re reading. If there are distractions in the room, move to another room and sit facing the person or persons whom you are talking.
Key 2: Real hearing is listening to what the person is saying instead of thinking of what you’re going to say next.
The average person speaks at about 150 words per minute. The average person’s thinks approximately 600 words per minute- four times faster. This why our minds so easily wander from what the person is saying to us. The listener must focus completely on what the speaker is saying. Don’t hesitate to take the time “after” the speaker finishes talking to gather your thoughts carefully before you respond.
Key 3: Real hearing is making eye contact with the person who is talking to you.
It develops trust. Just like people reach out and clasp hands when they are introduced, it is important to “clasp” eyes when you begin a conversation. Hold that “clasp” for 3-5 seconds and then look randomly away. Staring without a break is uncomfortable for everyone. Three seconds may seem like a lifetime but you don’t want to appear “shifty-eyed”. Keep going back and making eye “clasps” throughout the conversation to show that you are interested and involved in what is being said.
Key 4: Real hearing is being attentive.
Create the impression that this conversation is important to you and that you value the message and the messenger. Don’t let timidity or shyness be used as an excuse. Remember, your facial expressions will set the mood for the conversation. Sit up and lean forwards slightly to show you are listening. Nod your head or interject a thought occasionally. Ask questions at an appropriate time and always let the speaker finish his or her thought before interrupting.
Key 5: Real hearing is less about speaking and more about listening to understand.
The goal of any conversation is to connect, not defeat the other person or persons. Don’t try to hit “hot buttons” that will cause conflict. The point is not having to be right all the time. Try to feel what the speaker is feeling. Someone once said, “Talking is sharing, but listening is caring”.
